Children in Pain: Loved But      Undisciplined                    

       Failing to discipline is one form of child abuse.
                                                                                    by Nora Profit


        CINDY LOVES HENRY.  HE’S THE APPLE OF HER EYE.  He’s two years old and in most respects he behaves as a two-year-old should. What makes Henry different, however, is that no one likes him. Most adults shudder at having to be in his presence and wish his mother wouldn’t bring him around. What’s wrong with him? He’s out of control.

                Henry is a victim of permissive love. If this sounds strange, take time to imagine this scene. It’s an early afternoon at the doctor’s office, or the grocery store, or the train station or, heaven forbid, your own home. You choose the place. A child and his mother enter. The scene is calm and uneventful until the parent asks the child to do something.
“Come, honey, it’s time to go.” And then it happens.

                The child says no and means it. Mom pleads and threatens. She bargains and bribes. She begs and cajoles, but the answer is a stronger no. Mom is now held hostage by a two-year-old who has said no and means it. He’s a child who calls all the shots in his little world. He decides when he will go to bed and under what circumstances. He decides when his parents will visit other adults and for how long. His normal pattern of behavior is creating havoc and destruction. This child is seldom disciplined.

                “Seldom disciplined” are the key words here. Many parents with children like Henry aren’t guilty of never disciplining, they are guilty of sporadic discipline meted out without conviction. They will ask for obedience rather than insist on it. The tone of their discipline is almost apologetic in nature. They feel they will be rejected by their children if they chastise them in any way and often claim busy schedules and lack of time as reasons for not disciplining.
                “I hardly spend any time with Henry as it is,” Cindy says.

                “So I don’t want to spend that time scolding him.”

Henry Will Feel Rejected
               
                However, it isn’t Cindy who will feel rejected, it’s Henry. Undisciplined children have to deal with much rejection. No one wants them around at parties or gatherings. They don’t get along with their peers and are seldom asked to join other children on outings. They suffer the disapproving glares of annoyed strangers and are a consternation to teachers and sitters. No one likes a naughty child, and no one knows that better than the naughty child.

                We can’t know how much subliminal rejection these children have to endure from others. Children are supposed to be a delight. When they are not, they’re the object of rejection and undertones of disgust. The supreme rejection, however, is from the child’s parents themselves. Children sense something is wrong when their parents constantly ignore their repeated acts of defiance and obvious misbehavior. An out of control child longs for someone to exercise authority. When a parent doesn’t do it, he suffers rejection. Experiencing rejection by parents, peers, and other adults is a lot of rejection for one little child to endure.

                Disciplined children, however, are loved and respected. Because they are courteous and obedient, they receive affirmations. They can feel good about themselves. Their behavior is reinforced and their self-esteem bolstered. Children deserve to feel good about themselves and their surroundings.
   
                We seem to have forgotten that discipline and obedience are the only avenues we have to teach our children how to get along in this world. Children must learn they are accountable for their behavior. When they aren’t, they end up with dysfunctional lives. Jails are full of persons who erroneously believed they were not accountable for their behavior. The world doesn’t respond to temper tantrums, whining, or sulking. Once a child leaves home, the world is not going to tolerate his obnoxious manipulations.

                In the 1970s we learned all about self-esteem and the rights of the individual. These revelations did much to alter our perception of parenthood and the training of children. Instead of subscribing to the old belief that children should be seen and not heard and that they were property without rights, we launched a campaign to see that our children received all the positive strokes and encouragement necessary to foster good feelings and self-actualization.

                We learned that hard, unforgiving disciplines of the past did more to harm than to instruct. We threw out the concept of spanking, opting for more democratic disciplines, choosing not to rob our children of their self-esteem and dignity. We gave our children the opportunity to discuss their ideas and reason out choices. While the 7Os taught us much about positive parenting, we forgot that unbridled permissiveness was not the message.